Depression Disease

For many years I have sought the help of professionals to cure this funk I've been in my entire life. After being told to meditate and breathe for the past 10 years... I came to this conclusion. 
I am either too sensitive, or the world really is over flowing with assholes.

I say this because I have always cared deeply for how people feel, and I worry conststnly about stepping on people's toes, or offending someone. To the point of being queasy, and anxious and depressed. And im frankly tired of hearing that I need to meditate and breathe and I'll feel better by professional doctors. Im 22 years old, I breathe on a daily bases and frankly meditation can kiss my ass, it has no effect on me. And too tio it off, im sick of hearing people say how it helps them. Good for you,  want a gold sticker?

Every single day I think about suicide. Wether it be about Jimmy, or wether ita abouy my selfless desire to commit the deed myself. And I use the word selfless because In my head, its not about dying so I can feel better. When I think of it, its about Landon having the chance to live with out being held down by my rain clouds. it's so people around me dont have to suffer from my contant state of depression. And there is always that snart ass who has to bring up getting better. Well, if I could figure it out I would. Maybe I could turn into another selfish asshole.and cheat snd use people and then ill be happy. Because that seriously seems to work for the rest of the world.

Ladies and gents, I am tired of being a door matt, and a scape goat. Im tired of gossips,  I am tired of people who cant come to my face and ask me aomething or tell me something, I am tired of thinking about suicide every day, and im tired of finding reasons to live every day. Im tired...

It's Been Awhile

This just may be the hardest thing I've had to write..

I'm not really sure how to even put my thoughts out into words.. That people could understand or comprehend. 

I lost my older brother, Jim, in February. I lost him to the raging battle inside himself.. The battle to get clean from alcohol, the battle between depression and happiness, the battle between anxiety and peace. 

My brother, my older, wonderful, smart, amazing, caring, handsome, funny, loving brother.. Took his own life. Which left us all in shock.. The thought never occurred to us that Jimmy, or anyone in our family could hurt so bad that they could end their life. It really makes me stop and wonder about just how hopeless and awful he must have felt.. How tired and drained he must have felt. 

My brother was not a weak individual.. He held high standards, and was always supporting his friends and family to achieve high potentials. His wife and him opened a successful cafe in Medicine Hat, Ab, called the zucchini blossom. He was an outstanding businessman.. A loving, caring brother, son, uncle nephew, cousin, friend and , a devoted husband and father.. 

I'm so thankful for the 22 years I got to have one of the best older brothers that could walk this earth. Looking back on Jimmy's and my relationship, I can't recall a fight, I can't recall a time when I was even mad at jimmy. All I remember is being called jimmily, and Emily scremily, and prego..

Jimmy could fill you up just by being in the same room as him. And I'm not just referring to his paninis and goat cheese salad, or oso buco, or pizza. Jimmy could make you feel important and loved, just by talking to you,just by saying hello. 

And it leaves a certain feeling like a hole in the heart knowing that such a giving person is no longer here with us. It felt as though a piece of my heart died along with him. 

When someone passes, it's as though your time together with them becomes as fresh as if the memories had just happened the day before. I remembered times of being little and being with Jim.. Walking on the beach in oregan when I was 4 to him pulling out Landon's pacifiers and making him smile and tickling him. 

Nothing could have prepared me for losing jimmy. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the fear I feel about my own mental health concerns. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional train wreck that was heading my way.

I was supposed to watch my older brother grow old and pass from natural causes..

I wish it could have been another way, that he had gone home rather than make his decision... But who am I to plead for someone who hurts that bad?

I wish that I could speak with him now, I wish that I could have his shoulder to lean on as I fight my own battles with depression and anxiety, I wish I could have my role model back.. 

I wish I could eat his cappuccino cheese cake, I wish he would have known that he isn't the only one fighting those demons. 

I just want my brother home. Safe.. Alive.. 

Rest in peace, love, and happiness Jimmy. 

Boring Post

I am kind of just chilling here wondering what to write about. Kind of reminiscing in the past here. All the things I've pulled myself through, all the things that hurt me but gave me the knowledge I have today, the lessons I had to learn, the situations where I waved the white flag in defeat and the situations where I kept on fighting through, the things that have effected my self esteem for the good and the bad.
Over all, I have had many factors that have made me into the woman I am today. I don't want to be proud of who I am, yet |I do not want to be upset over it as well. I want peace and acceptance more than anything. To feel equal to others for once and not to feel high and mighty. I used to think that I had to be the best of the best to be anything. Now, I realize that is not true. I should just try to strive to be the best I can be. I want my kids to feel the same way one day.

Now, I took it upon myself to write a list of things one should and should NOT do.
1. One should mind their own business unless asked, or if the situation is an emergency or worrisome.
2. One should not drive like a priss when they have a "cow girl up" sticker on the back of their vehicle..
3. One should take up a hobby or two or three. It helps with number 1.
4. One should always find time in a day to view and participate in humorous things. Laughter is really the best medicine.
5. One should not dictate how a family does things or calls things.. it goes along with number one and its also really rude..

I shall say that I really do not like being told what to do. Especially when what I'm doing is none of your business. I will not be ordered around and then be expected to just agree, especially with stupid topics. I'm being so vague right now even though I should be able to say what I want since this is my own blog, but whatever. I guess only some people think that they are the only ones entitled to freedom of speech.

Now, on the topic of LOOVVE..
I really miss Ricky a lot and I cant wait to be with him again. When we are together the world just seems right and I feel at peace. I'm tired of being away from him. It's been eight months and Landon really needs to meet his daddy. I have a bad feeling he might make strange with Ricky at first. I really don't want that to happen. Soon Ricky will be with me again, i can just feel it.

I'm pretty sure Landon and I both have caught the cold my mom had. I know \i have the sore throat, and he's been fussy and has a hard time drinking his milk. I'm guessing he has it too, so I might give him just a little Tylenol before beddy bye time.
Anywho.. I'm boring myself here..
Peace!

Sometimes things get.. Whatever

Life is life. It is either good, it's ok, it's hell, it's fantastic, magical, whatever.. Recently, it's been total hell for me. Seeing as how I'm a person with a negative mind set it's very hard for me to find the good things in life and it's excruciating to feel any hope for things that feel like a lost cause. Lately, I find myself wondering why I even care so much, why I was gifted with such a big heart. Right now, I feel like my big heart is about as amazing as ripping open the beautiful, colourful, Christmas wrapping paper and finding a pair of plain white socks. Or a small bag of nasty, beige granny panties. I guess those would be appreciated by someone who doesn't have much... So maybe I should just grin and bare whatever comes my way? Come what may and Love it, right? How can anyone really love or appreciate pain, heartache, anger, being hurt and abused? Obviously, I lack the super gene that makes people smarter and stronger after they've hurt themselves.

But, I guess I should just "get over" things right? No feeling pain, or feeling sorry for myself. I'm just expected to live on as if nothing has ever happened.

Enough of my useless,angry,  pity party rant. Nothing will change.

One thing i Like about having the head of my bed under a window.. When Landon gets bored with the room scenery, I can just lift him over my head and he can gaze longingly outside. He just dangles there and looks around.. Soon, all hes going to really see is tree though. There's a big tree outside the window and the leaves are starting to come out.

One thing I hate about having the bed under the window is that Guido likes to jump on the sill and claw the screen and beg to come in when its open. He did that a few nights ago and scared Landon and I so bad. He biffed it the first jump and the noise was too much for my extreme terror of the dark to handle. I almost screamed and Landon had a big pouty until I fed him.

I'm really enjoying the warm weather. It's soo lovely and it helps with the PPD. Who can really be all that sad with all that sunshine? Maybe I should move to Hawaii, Mexico, Jamaica? Somewhere sunny. Only I had better get used to being a lobster because I burn like a wild grass fire.

I'm probably going to be dying my hair dark again.. dark like my poor, haunted soul... Just kidding. I used to dress with the goth style so it bothers my mom when my hair is dark. But its my hair after all. ;)
Anywho, I am off to be this great mother everyone says I am... I think everyone might be a little nuts. But that's just me bashing myself, and I'm not allowed to do that anymore.

The Postpartum Blues x5

One of the hardest things for me after giving birth was the depression. I guess I should say is because this sadness doesn't seem to want to go away. I wish I had read the packet that the nurse gave me earlier, because I have felt crazier than I have ever felt before. Like a raging lunatic. There are so many hormone shifts and mood swings. Recently I must have had a another hormone change because I'm starting to shed my hair. Which results in lower self esteem because my hair was so thin before my pregnancy. I wish someone could invent some sort of way to see what balance your hormones are at when you feel the happiest and give you supplements based on that. Life would be grand.

Having read the packet the nurse gave me.. I feel relieved that my issues are so normal with the postpartum depression.
-Perfectionism.. (needing things to be perfect, done right or in control) CHECK
-Unresolved issues from the past. CHECK
-feelings of loss, freedom, body image, control, identity CHECK
-Isolation CHECK
-Unexpressed feelings - such as anger, resentment, guilt or fear. CHECK
I hit every single cause.. except the thyroid disorder. (i only listed a few)

Symptoms
-Feelings of inadequacy CHECK
-Oversensitive to things other people say, or over thinking CHECK
-Relationship difficulties.. Oh relationship difficulties we meet again... CHECK
- Low self esteem CHECK CHECK CHECK
-Frightening fantasies or thoughts CHECK
Yup.. I had every single symptom on that page minus the hurt the baby. i could never ever hurt my baby boy.
I probably cuddle him way to much though. But i need those snuggles.

And apparently a way to relieve sadness is screaming?? Whatever helps i guess...
Not really sure as to what I'm going to do to get through this. Its just reassuring to know that what I'm feeling is normal.

RANT~
OK, I've seen a few things from little 13 year old girls or whatever saying how they would like to meet this Jahar Boston Bombing Terrorist dude.. First off.. If hes bombing America.. He probably wont like you.. He`s killed innocent people. Second.. your 13, keep your legs closed and stop being little sluts who want "bad boys".
That is all.

Motivated Myself To Write A Blog

Postpartum depression seriously sucks. The desire to lay in bed all day and not have to deal with anything is so incredibly tempting, but mind you I do have a baby to take care of so I do indeed actually get up. Luckily, I will be seeing a psychologist next week to kick this to the curb so I can be happy and enjoy the time with Landon. Besides, stress keeps trying to dry my milk supply up. I'm so lopsided, its hideous. Ugh!

Lately, I've often caught myself pondering on humanity, and my lack of hope for it. What happened to people helping each other out and trying to be kind to others?  I feel as if the world has become so selfish and hostile. Sure there are moments and events where people pull together and show a great love for each other. I see the preciousness of marriage being destroyed daily. Not because of gay marriage, but because of adultery, cheating. Marriages being broken by lies, unloyalty. I see relationship problems being posted all over facebook. Whatever happened to privacy? I know I'm guilty of hanging out the laundry for all to see, but so is everyone. I see people insulting and judging each other over beliefs and values, political or religious. I see young mothers and new mothers being judged constantly for their choices. Since when did being a mother come with a "How too" book? The Internet is a pretty amazing advancement but I also believe somehow people have decided to use it as a way to be rude and condemn people. Don't get me wrong, everyone is in need of constructive feedback and we do have the right to express opinions. But are we doing it because we have good intentions or because we have come to find someone irritating and a grind on our nerves? I hear far too often of people who talk about people behind other`s backs about personal experiences that someone has trusted to tell the other. When did we become a world of judgement, and a world full of getting satisfaction over other people's trials? What kind of people are we becoming? We are ALL guilty of it at some point or another. But what made us stop being kind to others? What made us decide to feel high and mighty by putting other people down? There are too many young people hurting and killing themselves over other people's low and degrading behaviours. Look at Amanda Todd, or Rehtaeh. Why should these girls be made to feel inferior? It makes me so mad that people say they are weak for committing suicide. I can't even imagine how low these girls must have felt enough to find no hope and no will to live. These girls were not weak. They only were made to feel that way. Made to feel that way by selfish, unkind people. Seriously, when did people stop caring about people around them? I have my religious beliefs, and I am a Christian, LDS  in fact, and I believe in loving thy neighbor. Regardless of their sexual preference, race, religion, trials and choices. When I help someone out, or give feedback, I do it for their sake not my own. I care about people. The past couple year I have heard things said about me for my beliefs and my own personal trials. It broke my heart that my trust with these so called "friends" had been shattered. I never really judged them for their troubles and choices in their life. I accepted them no matter what. I  just found it ironic that the distasteful behind-the-back "feedback" they said about me was a reflection of themselves. So, really, I'm not too offended. I at least recognise it within myself and am trying to change.

I have allowed other people to shape and mold me into a bitter and angry person. I myself have become mean and hostile to others because of other people. People who don't even know me all that well. I have allowed other people to convince me that I'm worthless, ugly and not good enough. I have let other's make me feel like a bad mother, even though I'm trying my hardest under my own hard circumstances. I have let other people define me as controlling when in reality I am passionate about the way I want my marriage to be. And by that I want a good marriage structured by the teachings and beliefs of my religion. I do not hold anyone against their will and I will not be held against my will either. I am confident enough to address a problem and deal with rather than sweep it under the carpet like it doesn't happen. I know what I want out of my life and I will accept no less. I am not controlling of my equal partner.Believe me, in tough times I have offered the way out for both of us. And neither of us has decided to take that option. We have agreed to change and become better people for each other because we love each other. That's what love is. And the way we run our show is different from how other people run theirs. Marriage is between 2 people. Not 2 people.. and their moms, sisters, brothers and fathers. There should be no shoulds a marriage besides, you should always love each other, and should always make choices that benefit each other. Only positive shoulds. Every marriage has their own definition of positive shoulds. All I am trying to say is that if it's not your marriage.. shut up and back off. You don;t know the whole entire story of a situation. A real friend is going to try and help make a marriage work. (certain situations are excluded, like abuse etc. but even that can be worked out if both partners work hard and commit to it). Real love requires selflessness, not selfishness.
And I am finished my long rant.. I am horrible about speaking about these things because I can never seem to get out what I want to say in a way that people can understand.

Adios Amigos.

6 Week Mark

Landon hit his 6 week mark yesterday. And off to the doctor we went.
The good news is that Landon is growing normally and is very healthy. He will eventually stop having froggy legs, his head ridges will go away and his soft spot will close. Mommy on the other hand? WARNING WARNING TO MUCH INFO MOMENT HERE-- CONTINUE ON WITHOUT LOOKING IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ-- I guess my stitches decided to get infected and I now have an infected open sore that is leaking puss. --- ALL CLEAR!! TMI MOMENT OVER! And I have been given a prescription for anti-depressants because I need some help with my moods. Hurray for me.

I think women need more credit for what we go through when giving birth. It takes 2 years for our bodies to recover fully from the damage of carrying the baby and childbirth. We have rapid weight gain, stretch marks, our vitamins and other nutrients are leached out of us, then we have to either push this baby out of a small hole or be cut open, then there's all the recovery from those events and nursing. Not complaining, but it is pretty hard on our bodies and it can be emotionally exhausting. Actually no, it is emotionally exhausting.

I have decided to try walking some. on wednesday I went for an hour walk and it was so nice and warm outside. Landon slept the first part then woke up and was a little fussy on the way back. But it was sooo cute to see his cheeks jiggle when the road got bumpy. I'll have to take a video today on my walk.

I dont really have much to say, my life has kind of gotten on the dull part again.(As dull as one can get with a newborn) Ricky still has not been approved to be released from the Marines. Still waiting on him, still waiting on the visa. Seems like life likes to get stuck and hold off for long periods of time. Story of my life, I guess.