Depression Disease

For many years I have sought the help of professionals to cure this funk I've been in my entire life. After being told to meditate and breathe for the past 10 years... I came to this conclusion. 
I am either too sensitive, or the world really is over flowing with assholes.

I say this because I have always cared deeply for how people feel, and I worry conststnly about stepping on people's toes, or offending someone. To the point of being queasy, and anxious and depressed. And im frankly tired of hearing that I need to meditate and breathe and I'll feel better by professional doctors. Im 22 years old, I breathe on a daily bases and frankly meditation can kiss my ass, it has no effect on me. And too tio it off, im sick of hearing people say how it helps them. Good for you,  want a gold sticker?

Every single day I think about suicide. Wether it be about Jimmy, or wether ita abouy my selfless desire to commit the deed myself. And I use the word selfless because In my head, its not about dying so I can feel better. When I think of it, its about Landon having the chance to live with out being held down by my rain clouds. it's so people around me dont have to suffer from my contant state of depression. And there is always that snart ass who has to bring up getting better. Well, if I could figure it out I would. Maybe I could turn into another selfish asshole.and cheat snd use people and then ill be happy. Because that seriously seems to work for the rest of the world.

Ladies and gents, I am tired of being a door matt, and a scape goat. Im tired of gossips,  I am tired of people who cant come to my face and ask me aomething or tell me something, I am tired of thinking about suicide every day, and im tired of finding reasons to live every day. Im tired...

It's Been Awhile

This just may be the hardest thing I've had to write..

I'm not really sure how to even put my thoughts out into words.. That people could understand or comprehend. 

I lost my older brother, Jim, in February. I lost him to the raging battle inside himself.. The battle to get clean from alcohol, the battle between depression and happiness, the battle between anxiety and peace. 

My brother, my older, wonderful, smart, amazing, caring, handsome, funny, loving brother.. Took his own life. Which left us all in shock.. The thought never occurred to us that Jimmy, or anyone in our family could hurt so bad that they could end their life. It really makes me stop and wonder about just how hopeless and awful he must have felt.. How tired and drained he must have felt. 

My brother was not a weak individual.. He held high standards, and was always supporting his friends and family to achieve high potentials. His wife and him opened a successful cafe in Medicine Hat, Ab, called the zucchini blossom. He was an outstanding businessman.. A loving, caring brother, son, uncle nephew, cousin, friend and , a devoted husband and father.. 

I'm so thankful for the 22 years I got to have one of the best older brothers that could walk this earth. Looking back on Jimmy's and my relationship, I can't recall a fight, I can't recall a time when I was even mad at jimmy. All I remember is being called jimmily, and Emily scremily, and prego..

Jimmy could fill you up just by being in the same room as him. And I'm not just referring to his paninis and goat cheese salad, or oso buco, or pizza. Jimmy could make you feel important and loved, just by talking to you,just by saying hello. 

And it leaves a certain feeling like a hole in the heart knowing that such a giving person is no longer here with us. It felt as though a piece of my heart died along with him. 

When someone passes, it's as though your time together with them becomes as fresh as if the memories had just happened the day before. I remembered times of being little and being with Jim.. Walking on the beach in oregan when I was 4 to him pulling out Landon's pacifiers and making him smile and tickling him. 

Nothing could have prepared me for losing jimmy. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the fear I feel about my own mental health concerns. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional train wreck that was heading my way.

I was supposed to watch my older brother grow old and pass from natural causes..

I wish it could have been another way, that he had gone home rather than make his decision... But who am I to plead for someone who hurts that bad?

I wish that I could speak with him now, I wish that I could have his shoulder to lean on as I fight my own battles with depression and anxiety, I wish I could have my role model back.. 

I wish I could eat his cappuccino cheese cake, I wish he would have known that he isn't the only one fighting those demons. 

I just want my brother home. Safe.. Alive.. 

Rest in peace, love, and happiness Jimmy.