For many years I have sought the help of professionals to cure this funk I've been in my entire life. After being told to meditate and breathe for the past 10 years... I came to this conclusion.
I am either too sensitive, or the world really is over flowing with assholes.
I say this because I have always cared deeply for how people feel, and I worry conststnly about stepping on people's toes, or offending someone. To the point of being queasy, and anxious and depressed. And im frankly tired of hearing that I need to meditate and breathe and I'll feel better by professional doctors. Im 22 years old, I breathe on a daily bases and frankly meditation can kiss my ass, it has no effect on me. And too tio it off, im sick of hearing people say how it helps them. Good for you, want a gold sticker?
Every single day I think about suicide. Wether it be about Jimmy, or wether ita abouy my selfless desire to commit the deed myself. And I use the word selfless because In my head, its not about dying so I can feel better. When I think of it, its about Landon having the chance to live with out being held down by my rain clouds. it's so people around me dont have to suffer from my contant state of depression. And there is always that snart ass who has to bring up getting better. Well, if I could figure it out I would. Maybe I could turn into another selfish asshole.and cheat snd use people and then ill be happy. Because that seriously seems to work for the rest of the world.
Ladies and gents, I am tired of being a door matt, and a scape goat. Im tired of gossips, I am tired of people who cant come to my face and ask me aomething or tell me something, I am tired of thinking about suicide every day, and im tired of finding reasons to live every day. Im tired...
With the chaos of life and challenges, I think we all get tired. I hope you find what you need and what will help. You have so many people who love and care for you. Pray. Or continue to pray. With faith. And if you don't feel like your prayers are being answered, re-evaluate and maybe you be ed to pray for something else, more specific. For example: sometimes I used to pray to get through the day. That changed to praying to get through the mornin or hour. Or maybe peace and comfort. Other times, understanding, and others yet, acceptance and strength to move on and climb that mountain. We all have them, they are just called by a different name. My biggest mountains are what I never even dreamed or imagined they could be and probably seem to pale in comparison to others. But whatever those mountains are called, they are challenging for each of us. I truly hope you can find the peace you are looking for. XOXO
ReplyDeleteDepression cannot be cured with meditation or breathing or even prayer. Its clinical. Medication is not always the answer, but for some it is. And I think for you it might be. That combined with therapy to help you figure out new ways to think, to retrain your brain. I know...I have anxiety. Some was so bad that I contemplated suicide in the past. I did get better. But some more than just a "change in scenery" or "breathing". Sometimes medical help is the only way.
ReplyDeleteKnow you are worth living. I know you are. How much you are hurting from your brother's passing, know others would hurt the same without you. Know your son is not better off without your clouds.....life has clouds. Its okay. Show him you're a fighter, even if you are too tired to fight. Don't give up on yourself, because I will not give up on you. Neither will your family.
Depression is not easy. Its a monster of a disease to have. But a disease nonetheless. And its treatable, you just have to find the right medication and right therapist and doctors. Just...don't give up.
Some *need* more, it should read.
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