Postpartum depression seriously sucks. The desire to lay in bed all day and not have to deal with anything is so incredibly tempting, but mind you I do have a baby to take care of so I do indeed actually get up. Luckily, I will be seeing a psychologist next week to kick this to the curb so I can be happy and enjoy the time with Landon. Besides, stress keeps trying to dry my milk supply up. I'm so lopsided, its hideous. Ugh!
Lately, I've often caught myself pondering on humanity, and my lack of hope for it. What happened to people helping each other out and trying to be kind to others? I feel as if the world has become so selfish and hostile. Sure there are moments and events where people pull together and show a great love for each other. I see the preciousness of marriage being destroyed daily. Not because of gay marriage, but because of adultery, cheating. Marriages being broken by lies, unloyalty. I see relationship problems being posted all over facebook. Whatever happened to privacy? I know I'm guilty of hanging out the laundry for all to see, but so is everyone. I see people insulting and judging each other over beliefs and values, political or religious. I see young mothers and new mothers being judged constantly for their choices. Since when did being a mother come with a "How too" book? The Internet is a pretty amazing advancement but I also believe somehow people have decided to use it as a way to be rude and condemn people. Don't get me wrong, everyone is in need of constructive feedback and we do have the right to express opinions. But are we doing it because we have good intentions or because we have come to find someone irritating and a grind on our nerves? I hear far too often of people who talk about people behind other`s backs about personal experiences that someone has trusted to tell the other. When did we become a world of judgement, and a world full of getting satisfaction over other people's trials? What kind of people are we becoming? We are ALL guilty of it at some point or another. But what made us stop being kind to others? What made us decide to feel high and mighty by putting other people down? There are too many young people hurting and killing themselves over other people's low and degrading behaviours. Look at Amanda Todd, or Rehtaeh. Why should these girls be made to feel inferior? It makes me so mad that people say they are weak for committing suicide. I can't even imagine how low these girls must have felt enough to find no hope and no will to live. These girls were not weak. They only were made to feel that way. Made to feel that way by selfish, unkind people. Seriously, when did people stop caring about people around them? I have my religious beliefs, and I am a Christian, LDS in fact, and I believe in loving thy neighbor. Regardless of their sexual preference, race, religion, trials and choices. When I help someone out, or give feedback, I do it for their sake not my own. I care about people. The past couple year I have heard things said about me for my beliefs and my own personal trials. It broke my heart that my trust with these so called "friends" had been shattered. I never really judged them for their troubles and choices in their life. I accepted them no matter what. I just found it ironic that the distasteful behind-the-back "feedback" they said about me was a reflection of themselves. So, really, I'm not too offended. I at least recognise it within myself and am trying to change.
I have allowed other people to shape and mold me into a bitter and angry person. I myself have become mean and hostile to others because of other people. People who don't even know me all that well. I have allowed other people to convince me that I'm worthless, ugly and not good enough. I have let other's make me feel like a bad mother, even though I'm trying my hardest under my own hard circumstances. I have let other people define me as controlling when in reality I am passionate about the way I want my marriage to be. And by that I want a good marriage structured by the teachings and beliefs of my religion. I do not hold anyone against their will and I will not be held against my will either. I am confident enough to address a problem and deal with rather than sweep it under the carpet like it doesn't happen. I know what I want out of my life and I will accept no less. I am not controlling of my equal partner.Believe me, in tough times I have offered the way out for both of us. And neither of us has decided to take that option. We have agreed to change and become better people for each other because we love each other. That's what love is. And the way we run our show is different from how other people run theirs. Marriage is between 2 people. Not 2 people.. and their moms, sisters, brothers and fathers. There should be no shoulds a marriage besides, you should always love each other, and should always make choices that benefit each other. Only positive shoulds. Every marriage has their own definition of positive shoulds. All I am trying to say is that if it's not your marriage.. shut up and back off. You don;t know the whole entire story of a situation. A real friend is going to try and help make a marriage work. (certain situations are excluded, like abuse etc. but even that can be worked out if both partners work hard and commit to it). Real love requires selflessness, not selfishness.
And I am finished my long rant.. I am horrible about speaking about these things because I can never seem to get out what I want to say in a way that people can understand.
Adios Amigos.
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